What To Say at a Funeral
When You Hear the News
Death is one of the most uncomfortable topics to discuss. We try
to find the right thing to say. We rush it and try to get it over
with. But whatever you do, you cannot ignore it. Good etiquette
dictates that you address what has happened. A call, card, flowers,
or a visit are gestures you can make to let the family know you're
thinking of them. Remember to:
- Acknowledge the honoree
- Ask to help with errands or arrangements if you're close to the
family
Be a Good Listener
Listening is an art form. At no time is this more important than
when a friend or colleague is experiencing grief. Let him or her
talk about how they are feeling and let them talk about the person
who has died. Don't try to fix it, because you can't.
According to Liz Aleshire, author of 101 Ways You Can Help, the grieving
family has an "almost physical need to talk about what happened to
her family, to share memories, to rehash the wake and funeral."
Every time they speak about their family member, it's one step
towards the healing process.
Let them lead the conversation. You can add a comment here and
there, in agreement, to keep the conversation going. Don't try to
change the subject, or bring up other people's experiences.
What (and What Not) to Say
It depends on your closeness to the honoree. If you are an
acquaintance or casual friend, you needn't say more than "I'm so
sorry" or "He was a wonderful person." Closer friends can be more
personal, saying "We're going to miss Josette very much." Do not
ask about the details of the death. If a family member does mention
their last days, try to comfort them.
Peggy Post, director and spokesperson for The Emily Post® Institute, suggests you
call on the grieving family and try not to avoid them. Everyone
grieves in their own way and while some may want to be alone for a
while, others may need you to be there and listen - take your cues
from your friend or family member.
Don't be surprised if you feel tense or anxious before you talk
to the grieving family members. It's common (and that's why we're
here to help).
|
Do Say...
|
Don't Say...
|
| "I'm so sorry about your
loss." |
"I know what you're going
through."
Every griever's experience is different. No one can say they know
what someone is feeling. |
| |
| "Let me make you dinner
tonight." |
"Call me if you need
anything." |
| |
| "Please know that I am
thinking of you." |
"Time heals all wounds."
"You'll get over it." |
| |
| "She was a great person." |
"She's in a better place
now." |
| |
"I remember what a great time
we
had (insert personal memory of honoree here.)" |
"At least he's not suffering
anymore." |
Remember not to monopolize the mourner's
time. They need time to meet with others and time
alone.
